the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
