I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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