Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
