my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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