i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
