I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
