ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
