I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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