life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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