He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
