i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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