pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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