While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
