i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize