Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
