im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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