I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
