just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize