i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
