what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
