My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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