your room smells of hookers.
And success
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
