Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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