Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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