3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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