Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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