If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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