Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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