I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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