Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
