I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
