Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
