I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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