the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
