but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
