the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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