Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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