I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize