She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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