I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
