just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
