We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
