what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
