i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize