Dude my mom stole all your condoms
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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