So drunk its hurt
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
