I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
