I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
