im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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