Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
What drink are we having for lunch?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
