you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
