Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
