I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
