i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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