We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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