Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
