it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
