Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
