I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
