When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
