Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
