remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
