my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
