Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
