My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
