Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
