She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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