I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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