there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
