Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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