he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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